yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize