Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
