party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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