I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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