All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
