Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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