I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
