I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You can't special order awesome
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
