i think my tv is drunk
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
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