Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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