it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Still dying that you shit outside
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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