I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
