hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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