Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
