Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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