Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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