her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
