mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
