i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
