sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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