I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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