i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
