Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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