remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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