I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
