I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
