I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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