I'm going to jail i love you
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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