Need sex. Gaining weight.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
