i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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