Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
