WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???