For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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