I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
