I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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