Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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