I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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