i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
