I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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