I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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