I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
