well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
