I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Come see our sink grown plant.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
