How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
