My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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