Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
