I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
