3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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