I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
