I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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