just tell him i said nine months
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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