My friends, they love my intelligence
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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