I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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