I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
