rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She swung at the pinata with crutches
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You're breaking my sexual little heart