Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
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You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
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There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.