I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.