god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
