I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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