Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
