Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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