Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
